My missed miscarriage
It feels like my life was on hold for the past 7 weeks, from the day I hold a positive pregnancy test in my hand. Overflowing with excitement and joy, I made no plans for the new year. I didn't have to, in August my baby would be born, till then I enjoy every day. And I did, obviously aware of all the things that can go wrong especially in the first trimester, but you have to think positive, believe in your body and trust that all will be well. ( brainfu*k!) 3 nights ago, I had a horrendous dream. I was almost drowning in overflowing, muddy, runny water. I stood alone in my childhood little town ( we have three rivers there) the scenery was dark, windy, gray and there was just so much turbulent water! I woke up the next day, I knew something wasnt right. Checking my breasts, they were still enlarged, the need for the toilet immediately and starving. So, hmm, confused.... For peace of mind, I treated myself to an early pregnancy scan. I sourced a good deal from groupon, at least! I promised myself though, I wont do early scans and stuff. I trust my body and all will be well. And there I was in the waiting area, my name was called and I was nothing but filled with excitement, after all, all will be well, right? My body was in perfect health and the timing was just right. 9 weeks...in a moment I ll shall see me tiny little grape size being. In the morning I told my partner that we ll have a picture later ...yeaiiiiii I sat on the chair and the sonographer started....I looked at the screen and all I could see is total emptiness. My gestational sac was beautifully formed, but empty. I looked away to the ceiling, after all I am not that expert. Next I felt the hand of my kind healthcare professional on my shoulder and she said:" I am sorry." For a split second I thought:" I knew it." It's the battle between the conscious and the subconscious... consciously I kept telling myself all is well, subconsciously I knew. The sonographer explained that the sac is beautifully formed and measures exactly right for 9 weeks, so my womb, my body thinks its pregnant. It cant tell its empty. The embryo probably stopped developing at 5 weeks already. My body is holding on! I am holding on. To have everything confirmed, I had to contact the EPU (early pregnancy unit) at my local hospital. They could see me immediately. They explained to me that most likely the early scan was correct. I told them that I am not here with a shimmer of hope. They scanned and even said they can confirm a miscarriage then and there. Normally this takes longer as strict regulations make them having to perform two separate scans. In my case the sac was so empty that it could be confirmed. That meant that they offered me three choices straight away, instead of having to come back to hear them. My three choices now are, to either wait and let nature take its course. That can be that cramps and bleeding start in a couple of days or it might take weeks. I can take a tablet to bring the process on or have a little operation. They were all extremely kind in that room, they were taking their time to answer my questions and they were expressing their sympathies. I have to go back either way next week to check and see... On my way home, I felt like having it all together. That's life and I am not the only one experiencing that. This morning reality hit me and finally I started crying. Allowing myself to feel the pain. This is my story and right now it hurts. Dreams are scattered, plans are ruined and worse, the worst is probably yet to come. I was informed in the hospital, that if the sac wasnt empty, everything is beautifully forming and shaping. Not good news for me as that means ones the bleeding starts, there is a lot that needs shedding and it can be messy and painful. For now I am holding on to my sonographers words:" Your womb looks very healthy, perfectly shaped and just beautiful." I have got some communicating to do with her though. May the eclipse this evening and the full moon be a time to relinquish and call in release.